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Dec. 31st, 2012

(no subject)

ok so 2012. let's see. started it in hammytrammy, jon didn't have a job. then he got a job, and my gallbladder needed to come out. had to stay in the hospital for a few days, then took a few weeks to recover, but now i'm fine, despite being down an organ. oh, while i'm thinking about it, in health news, i also was diagnosed with IC, which i'm finding to be pretty manageable, and an impetus to drink more water which is good anyway. tried a lot of different ways of working out in 2012. spin class was ok, but the gym was so expensive. took up running (again) and this time i realized that i liked it. oh, i started a new school, u of m dearborn. really glad i did. something something, cut to, i realized that i can't function properly within the confines of monogamy. fortunately, my husband is amazing and so i don't have to try. made a couple new friends of varying degrees. bought a freakin' house, the process of which was a nightmare. eventually decided i don't like being a homeowner. now i can't wait to sell. the house isn't bad though. neighborhood is great. spent lots of time with lil, still never seems like enough. finally got strong enough to all but cut my mom out of my life. i don't feel guilty anymore, most of the time. my cousin jamie got clean, maybe for good. my cousin matt went back to jail. mostly i tried to avoid my family or knowing things about my family. it's just depressing. this journal isn't completely TOP SECRET OFF LIMITS and i don't want it to be, so i'll just say i dinged hasek and i haven't wavered from kevin hodson/norm maracle/any number of shit goalies in years, so it's pretty significant. speaking of hockey (even though i'm not) THIS FUCKIN LOCKOUT. ok wait, i guess 2012 had last season in it too. kings won the cup, lids retired. then this lockout happened, and i'm super gutted about it. gordon and meg got married, chris and katie got married. probably a bunch of other people. or had babies. i don't know. no one ever asks me (or maybe will ever ask me) to be in their wedding. i guess i'm not really a poster boy for love? i don't know. i love real hard. i'm in a stable, healthy marriage. whatever. more likely, i'm not a poster boy for friendship. ummm, ok anything else? i'm trying not to be too timely, but it's difficult to not want to talk about things that are currently pertinent. oh, i decided i love philosophy, so now i'm a history/philosophy double major. weird, i know! um, um, skipped thanksgiving and went to chicago instead. didn't really travel much beyond that (bought a house, duh). bought a new car, which i love so much. felt feelings. wrote a recap. alright that's enough. happy new year. let's hope 2013 is better than 2012 (which i feel, despite having a number of milestone events, was pretty lame).

Aug. 21st, 2012

(no subject)

dreamed you died
and i didn't

say goodbye
-----------------

fuck it i wrote you a christmas card
in ink as white as atlantic foam
the heavy haze between asleep and awake
on a full stomach of restaurant food
while you live on breath mints,
dry cereal,
and halves of sandwiches

i kept whispering in my sleep
that i love you i love you i love you
for the cracks in the awkwardness
the times without bottles or blood
or pauses or platitudes
when your pants didn't fit
or i showed up unannounced
or the christmas eve i spent alone
watching
rock and roll high school
and crying
for the slipping on ice
you teach me why it's art
play it til i sleep
for your fingers and your hair
your hateful blue eyes

for how brave i was then

despite
years of some hobo garbage
of pretending to like fucking
anyone else
lying and caving in
while you drank cough syrup
and told me to stare at my hands
i said i'd meet you in pixels
by the pillar
but i grew up faster than i knew

i told you all of my secrets like
"i'm usually happy"
and "i never want to see you again
because it would destroy it
for nothing"
shit that doesn't even matter
but i always wanted to say like
"thank you for ignoring
the marks of infidelity
and the gaudy makeup i'd used
to hide them"
and "now i know what gutted means"

so there's my life
and then there's this
you built a raft
and escaped it
my last line was to tell you
that i don't know why
but when it's my birthday cake
or the clock has twins
or any other meaningless nonsense
i wish for your happiness

you sent one back
signed just two letters
that was enough

May. 24th, 2011

(no subject)

So apparently today, while Mike was on his computer with his headphones on, playing a game (which is what he does constantly), instead of keeping an eye on Lily (my sister was at work), she got into the bathroom, grabbed Mike's razor, and cut her lip open. Mike never noticed, and no one did anything about it until Mary got home.

Why wasn't he out playing with her on this beautiful day? Why wasn't he at least keeping an eye on her in the house? It was only a matter of time before something like this happened, and I'm just glad it wasn't worse...this time.

I feel so incredibly helpless and frustrated. I don't understand why my sister won't leave him. The house is hers, not his. She makes the vast majority of the money. My parents are two doors down if she needs anything. Jon and I would help as much as we could, too. I mean this is a guy who is a neglectful father, an extremely lazy mama's boy manchild, he has threatened my sister (not to mention me, Jon, and several other people) with physical violence. He does literally nothing. He has cheated on her before, and I suspect he still is. Why is she with him? Why doesn't she see how horrible this is for Lily, and for herself?

I'm angry and sad. Thanks for listening, Livejournal. You're the best.

edit to say that I found out from my sister that after she got home and discovered Lily was walking around with a razor in her hand and bleeding, she yelled at Mike about it. Mike then got up and left, leaving my sister who had tons of homework to do, btw, to clean up Lil by herself. What a guy!

Feb. 4th, 2011

(no subject)

Dude, I don't care who thinks I'm a bitch. It's totally bullshit that I bend over backwards for my mom and sister, and am always the first one they call when they need something, because they know I'll do it, yet they can't do something as simple as take an hour out of their day to look at wedding dresses with me.

It really is my own fault though. I don't know why I thought I'd suddenly have this supportive group of women around me just because Jon proposed. I'm tough, and I can handle this myself, and I will have the fantastic, amazing, beautiful wedding I want to have no matter what.

Dec. 29th, 2010

(no subject)

but but but!
who could teach
a crusader
such a thing
as kindness
?
costs must
be considered.
there is room for
everyone
in this circle
so peacemakers,
rest easy tonight.

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